Saying goodbye to my dream

Gunmay
4 min readMar 12, 2021

I’ve been trying to write this for almost two full days now. I’ve re-written it from scratch like four or five times, I’ve changed the title/content/tone/narrative over and over again not being able to decide what I want to include, what to focus on or how I want it to end. At first I had titled it “Swedish Retirement Part 2” because I guess I was trying to make myself less attached and joke about it a bit, hell I even made it another Medium post just for the meme. But as I kept writing it I think it finally settled in just how much competing meant to me.

Growing up I didn’t really have any dreams, I did not have the luxury of staying a kid for long and I missed out on that feeling of being young and having your whole life ahead of you. When you grow up with nothing you kind of put everything to the side and focus on just getting through it. But as I got older I had this desire to stand out. This need to prove people wrong. An ambition to show my worth. I desperately wanted to become the best at something, anything at all. It’s probably the closest thing to a dream I have, but I’ve always hated calling it that because to me dreams are something unattainable. That’s why they are dreams, they’re not real. It’s something you’re not expected to reach or achieve. I felt like calling it a dream basically meant giving up on ever achieving it.

I started playing TFT around this time last year, funnily enough I actually had a notification on Twitter the other day saying it was 1 year since I created my account which means it was around this time last year when I started streaming and competing as well. I remember playing my first Fight Night around March last year and going into it super nervous, even though it was just $100 for first place. But the lobby had players like Fluffy and Deisik who were and still are some of the best players in Europe. I was excited to the point where I was almost shaking when I was about to win Game 1, because I think it showed me that my goal, my desire and my ambition to become the best at something was maybe reachable in this game. Now fast forward to today, after having my regionals run cut short again, I think it’s safe to say I never managed to reach a point where I could say I was the best. Even at my peak during Set 3 I think as far as I got was being able to say I was one of the top players in Europe. I think that is what makes it even more disappointing because I felt like my goal was finally “within reach” and that I was actually “close” to it for the first time in my life. Even if there are other players that are better than me and even if I might not even be in the top 10 to a lot of people, I feel like I had the chance to become the best even if it would have just been for a brief moment.

Even if I wish I had done some things differently and I wish that I had seen some different results in the end, I leave without any regrets. Even though I’m disappointed about going out in the first round at regionals this year, I think I played really well. Which honestly, I don’t know if I’ve ever been able to say that after a loss. Normally I’m so hard on myself that I would look for even the slightest mistake and blame myself endlessly for failing and while I know I did not play perfectly I’m actually really happy with how I played and I can find some solace in that. Also the games at regionals last weekend was honestly the most fun I’ve had in my entire “career”, regardless of the results. I had that same feeling I had 1 year ago playing my first Fight Night for every game during regionals and I loved it. In Game 3 where I pulled off the 2 HP comeback and winning the 1v1 vs Voltariux my heart was racing like crazy. There are not many things in this world that beat that feeling. I’ll miss it a lot.

When I first wrote this I was frustrated after just having lost at regionals and wanted to vent about everything that has been bad. Like how the competitive scene in Europe is a complete joke or how much I disagree with the direction of the game during Set 4 and Set 4.5, but honestly overall the whole “journey” has been pretty awesome. I don’t want to look back at this year and focus on the negative stuff and instead I rather celebrate the good. Playing TFT gave me a distraction during a turbulent time in my life (and in the world). I got to play against some of the best players in the world. I got to know a lot of awesome people and make some new friends and most importantly I met Victoria which is something that changed my life for the better forever.

So even though I never got to say I was the best, I would not change a single thing because honestly I’ve never been happier in my entire life. It’s sad to turn the page and close this chapter of my life and I wish it would have lasted a little bit longer, but there is still a lot of the book left and I can’t wait to see what’s gonna happen in the future.

Thank you to all the people who have supported me during this last year, it means the world to me. I hope you guys take care of yourselves and if by any chance our paths cross again in the future I look forward to the reunion with the boys and hopefully we’ll grab that beer we talked about.

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